| Self Worth Crisis Creates Middle Life Crisis (free article below) |
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Self Worth Crisis Creates Middle Life Crisis Last week I was on vacation and happened to see an episode of Jerry Springer's program. The first guest was a young lady whose engagement was in jeopardy because her fiancé had sex with the maid of honor. The young lady was really confused and felt betrayed. She was the perfect picture of an innocent victim being screwed over unfairly by her best friends—at least you'd hope that her maid of honor and fiancé were her best friends. The result was an early middle life crisis. Next they brought on the maid of honor and a cat fight was the result. After the bouncers separate the two girls, Jerry is there with questions to the maid of honor about whether she loves the guy and why she betrayed her best friend. I don't remember what her answers were as they were immaterial anyway. Next to be brought on the show is the fiance' and questions were slung at him between more cat fights. His response was amazing. He said that his girlfriend broke the bond first--that she left him years ago when they were 19 and had sex with another guy. He also explained that his fiancée was controlling and always brought her interfering family into any disagreements. Wow, what a mixed confused bunch of people which I firmly believe is true for most of his guests and I wonder how many young adults suffer from the same confusions. Every torn relationship I saw on the show was an ego crisis which is another way of identifying a self worth crisis—they have no idea as to how to build and improve self worth and the result is an early middle life crisis from which they may fully never recover. Let's first look at the young man. He was so hurt when his girlfriend first left him at age 19 that he became emotionally frozen. The only way he could relate was that “the bond was broken” which is another way of saying that his self esteem was trampled or lets say he had no self worth. His self worth was totally wrapped up in having achieved this woman as a girlfriend--much like a fisherman owns his boat after many years of working for it—that when she experimented with someone else, he was devastated. One would presume that he was so devastated that he planned on and hoped that one day he could make her pay for hurting him. So he schemed and schemed and manipulated until he got her back and then just when she was counting on him the most he went and has sex with her best friend—what a payback. But the joke is on him as maybe he just screwed up the best relationship he'll every have. If his ego had not been so fragile or if he had a strong sense of self worth instead of no self worth to start with he could have viewed the situation as you see on many pizza boxes—“You've tried the rest, now try the best.” Did Jerry touch on that? Not at all. He just skipped over it and let the guy get away with a frozen emotional state—frozen in rejection, anger, and resentment--desperate for personal growth and change. Now how about the fiancée? Controlling? Maybe she was which would cause any guy to “run for the hills.” Controlling is also a self worth issue. It's like she can't feel good about her self unless everything falls into line. And for that to happen she has to control anyone with whom she's in relationship. Her fiancé alluded to the fact that he couldn't have other friends. Well here we have a young woman who is also frozen in time. It probably goes back to child hood where her family life was out of control. Maybe her parents were always arguing about something and the only way she could cope was with controlling her surroundings. Keeping her surroundings in control was the only way she could feel good about herself and she took this habit into adulthood. And what about the maid of honor? Was she jealous of her best friend? Did she deep down want to hurt her best friend? I doubt it—she was just probably horny and curious. Now the bigger issue comes into play and that is sharing. Most of us as adults are so weak and insecure that we can't think of the possibility of sharing our wife or husband with another of the opposite or same sex. Now that I'm tackling this issue—I imagine 90% of those reading this part of the article is saying,”this guy is going overboard.” Let me start by saying there's too much hate and not enough love in this world. We often look at our spouses or romantic partners as property—“He/she's mine.” Its like you worked hard for the relationship and you now own it—it's your boat. Yes, you own the relationship, but you don't own the person. If you knew how to love. I mean really love, you'd love everyone and every thing your spouse or significant other loves. You might not like everyone and everything, but you'd love everyone and every thing. That's the subject of a book I wrote— Quick Tips on How to Love Yourself Before All Others—The Loving Self Acceptance Hand Book. Truly love and you'll avoid the middle life crisis. Possessiveness is the poison of humanity and also the poison of self esteem. In fact possessiveness stands in the way of how to build or improve self worth. The only real thing to be concerned about is: “Does this person with whom my significant other is sleeping have an STD?” Other than that, invite them into the relationship and let your relationships expand. Trust your partner to have great taste—after all he/she loves you. This is the ultimate of healthy personal growth and change. Ninety nine percent of the time an attitude from a strong sense of self worth will bring about a sense of awe in one's partner to the point of total consumption. In other words, they will be so amazed, awed, and in love with you that they will never look elsewhere. What is the popular quote, “Let him go and if he loves me he'll come back”? But the thing that often stands in the way of this is “trust” and “fear”. Fear that if I do that and he doesn't come back I'll look like a stupid ass. And of course do I need to tell you that this is true of someone with low self worth? And trust is just the other side of the same coin, “If I trust someone and he doesn't come back, I'll look stupid.” Tony Robbins explains trust the best. Trust is inherent. If you're driving the mountain road late at night you trust the person in the car coming toward you to stay on his side of the road. That's trust. Faithful and all that stuff is according to your definition and what you ego desires or needs to survive. Ego kills and I mean it literally. Every person who has died at the hand of another has died because of ego—not love. With ego there is no love—only possessiveness and jealousy. Search for "Richard Kuhns" on Amazon to find several books that address the issues of self esteem and mid life crisis. ________________________________________________________________________________________ Resource Box:
Richard Kuhns B.S.Ch.E. NGH certified, a prominent figure in the personal development field. His goal is to provide all the tools one needs to successfully deal with emotional eating.
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